Blog of Wonder and Excitment!

hey..i havnt written in a logn time..again..soo..right now im really confused..like i dont know what im looking for, im guess im lost, so many things are screwed up and its like everythign is changing but nothing is different..i hate it. It feels as thought somethign big is going to happen soon to change all my problems..but i know its not. Right now im struggling with tons of stuff, im having to deal with my grandma who could die any second, its so hard to see her..she can barely talk and shes just not the same. Also, because I reccomended my little sister(who is only 13) to dump her"boyfriend" who is actually a big ass hole, shes been bullied by him and his friends. even though shes a brat, i still love her. Theres a million other thigns going on right now as well. Some of you know..id rather not let the whole world know..in my school rumors spread like wildfire..its ridiculous, especially in a christian school. So..what else..im kinda of struggling in the area of boys..like..i guess i want someone to care for..but i want it to be a forever kind of thing..ive experienced to much short term..all its done is made me depressed..i mean..its so hard..but..ahh..it drives me insane..i dont know what i want in my life..sometimes i think i fucked up so badly that my life is over..i guess ive been a little overdramatic..only because i didnt understand the situation..but life goes on..sometimes i wish i didnt..sometimes i wish i actually had the guts to go thruand kill myself..but i never do..i think its becuase i know deep inside that i theres somethign better..all the mistakes ive made..ive learned so much from them..an di think i will be able to teach others about it...we need to be educated to make the right decisions..i was..but only to a certain degree..once i pass that i have no idea what the hell im doing..so anyways..im thinking..ive grown up in a christian home..never knew anything else..what i want to do is learn about all the other religions..like..i think i know that christianity is the one..but how can i make a ligitamat decision without knowing all the information?! thats something i plan to do in the future..hopefully sooner than later..but im kidna doing crappy in school so i better not distract myself even more..i gotta get focused..life is once..its 11:54, wednesday november 17..ive never been to 11:55...its wierd...what am i gonna do now? i have a friend who asked me the question "your whole life, everythign you have done, has led up to this very moment, what ar eyou going to do next?" i couldnt tell you..i dont know..i wish i knew..i wihs i had it all figured out..but i dont..an di know i never will..i hate that...so anywyas..thats basically alli have to say..i dont think anyone is reading these anymore..but if you are..then..idn..good for you.. its kind of wierd..if you feel like commenting..idn.i dont really want anyone to..unless its more of an opinion..if your trying to lecture or give me a crapload of advice...dont...idn..just..gimme your personal opiion..of life..or whatever..thats all bye