Sunday, May 30, 2004
ahhh..being sick sucks..i wish i was just fake sick..then i could stay home without feeling like crap..lol..but yea..added on top of that is the monthly issue:s-well..sorta monthly..haha..i hate it:'(- but anyways...my youth group needs some prayer..its getting dry and we need some more forms of worship (painting, dancing, etc....)..so i talked to my youth pastor about it and he liked the idea:) but its hard to get off the ground..and our youthgroup needs to cover basic worship first..an d we need more pure hearts for God..soo..pray for that! thanks gotta go clean my room:|...
Thursday, May 27, 2004
yea..and another thing...read christines blog first dated may 26!....gooo...and then read the rest....
ok now that ure done, my situationg is basically the same...except God put it on my heart and my mind and i told people and then things started happening...but i feel such a call for that school! my parents dont really support it tho..:(...so if it IS meant to be then they will agree with it in the end! so yea..pray for thay please!
ok now that ure done, my situationg is basically the same...except God put it on my heart and my mind and i told people and then things started happening...but i feel such a call for that school! my parents dont really support it tho..:(...so if it IS meant to be then they will agree with it in the end! so yea..pray for thay please!
Monday, May 24, 2004
wow avalanche was amazing..ive seen a side of God i never have seen before!! its new territory...ok..wel heres the deal..for one thing..im not sure about sharing all of this..it is really personal..but pppl have told me how they love that i can be so real on here..so ill be real..if its too real..lol...tell me..or whatever you think...but i think its safe to tlak about now because its in the past!! and its not coming back!..sooo...before avalanche..as some of you know i had been struggling with family problems..and suicide crap..like...not good...and it had been such a burden on me..i was pretty much depressed...so anyways..i went to avlanche(a youth conference in kelowna for those of you who dont know) and it was cool..i hadnt prepared for it tho..which i should have but didnt know how to..so anyways..i got into worship and just started dancing..and i never usually do this..this is an amazing church that it was held at!!! so..at first i thought everythign was better the first and second day..i thought everythign was all good..but yea..it wasnt..i didnt feel relived or watever..so last night(sunday) there was this rapper guy(and all of you who know the story of the broken leg thing..it wasnt the manifest-rapper- guy who was involved in the laughing at the stupid joke..it was just the breakdancers- and anyways..he was rapping then he started saying.."there is a girl here who was thinking and tryign to attempt suicide before avalanche..and shes having problems with her mother and father and family life" and just started prayign and..i was like..."what the heck..?!?" because it nailed me..not all of you who were there know this..now you do..so yea..that hit me and i was like "uhh..okay?..wat do i do i thought i was better" for a while until we got into worship..and i was dancing and just praising God and i just got on my knees..and started bawling..i wasnt even thinking baotu anything..i dont know why..and then ppl started laying hands on me..and many of you know how much i cry! i have NEVER EVER cried like this ever before...so..i was lying on the ground and shannon and jill and chrisine and jannelle and mark and some other ppl were just praying for me..and..the stuff they said..it was..wow..i cant even explain..but..i was crying soo much..and i hurt soo much pyysically like..in my stomach there was this pain..and it was indescribable...so i was still crying and worhsip had ended so this girl told us we shoudl go up to the 24-7 prayer room..so we did..and they lay me down and there was just..such prophetic stuff..visions and amazing things about me..i was so suprised how much was wrong with me..and..before this (i still havce to pray about this)God had told me that i was going to go into school(thomas haney specifically) and preach to the people and change soo many lifes! and this guy was praying..and he was sayign this stuff and then..this thing abotu witchcraft came up and he said somethign was given to me that was with me adn it was like evil..and i had no clue what he was talkign about! i was like "waaat?" then after a while he asked me what i saw and God was tellign me about the school thing again and i told him and this girl that was there said there woudl be a team...and i later foudn out that laura gelush is going to that school and the girl said that she knew laura woudl be part of it..so thats cool..but i still got to get assurance from God n stuff...anyways..after we prayed..i felt sooo released...in another blog when i have more time i might write some of the visions and things ppl got..but yea..a woman said that i would be a prophetic speaker..and i had never thought this would happen to me..like..i never thought it woudl be so cool..and the woman said that i would do amazing things and its soo cool to hear!!! and anyways..mark went down after we were done praying and travis..who has the gift of seeing angels and demons..said he saw demons latched onto me..or soemthign when i was going up to the prayer room..that was creepy..but i know there gone and there alot of stuff in my life i have to get rid of!!...and i told some stuff to my mom..and i asked baotu the witchcraft thign and she suggested harry potter..which i had some books in my room..so i totally htink thats it wcuz thy were given to me..so ill get rid of those..anyways..i have to get off ill add more later!..im back now...adding more to this blog..i actually talked to my dad...it was sooo cool..it was so deep..and we never ever talk..it was sooo cool..i just talked ot him about God and life and what me and him are doing and where were at wiht God..and all the cool stuff that happened at avalanche..and yea..i dont remember what i wrote..its pretty late..its so wierd..jannelle was talking about seeing in the spiritual realm..and it is really creepy..because she described what she had seen..and its gross...i wont explain..but like..all day today i have been praying and commanding them to leave me and my house and everywhere around me..its cool..and like..wow..i love tlakgin to God now and just..i want to spend al my time with him...i destroyed most of my ssecular cd's so far..because ive noticed that whenever im sad i go listen to it..and its not good..so thats somethign ill finish..and also ive been thinking of going on like..a tv sorta fast..like christine..but not so seroius...my acceptions will be news and csi(if its appropriate) and also only certain movies..im tired of filing my mind with all the shit of the world!!! lol..really..im going to try hard to stop..and..wow..i feel so amazing right now..i dont want it to go away..like the spiritual high ppl get and then a couple weeks later its back to normal! no way.im not doing that..ive brokenthe chains and im leaving them behind!!!!! yeehah!lol..
Monday, May 17, 2004
soo..fuel was cool...jordan prayed for me...and just helped me to realize i do have to get things straight with my parents or things with God and thigns with friends wont be good:s....umm...so we havnt really talked yet...but i have been better..i geuss...we both dont want to talk..we just...sorta want things to just be good..but i knwo i have to talk to him. Yea..but i am feeling better...avalanche will be awesome...and yea..God will carry me thru! and he doesnt care what i have done..he will always love me no matter what..love you Jesus...its good to be back...well..sorta back..but it does feel better...except for my friend situation..thats kinda sucking..anywyas...i gotta get to bed:O*yawn*..haha...i wonder how many people wil yawn when they read that..tell me if u did on my comments!...i just yawned 3 times now htinking about it...its soo wierd..oh..now 4...
Friday, May 14, 2004
wow...ppl are pissing me off..lol..idn, everything is so stupid right now..blaaaahhh...thats how i feel..like...nothing...except annoyed
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
soo..blah..idn how to b at school..its so confusing..like..i want to be how i feel...but then i dont want it to b all lame and ya know..be all grumpy..soo..idn what to do with that...and..my parents are being soo frustrating...grr..its sooo stupid...i hate it:S
Monday, May 10, 2004
hmm...sooo..idn..blah..todya was like..wierd...i didnt want to have a bad day so i just acted like everythign was okay..i didnt want everyoen to be all like..sympathetic at shcool..its embarassing..idn..so...today has been good..i havnt really confronted anyhtign yet:s...i should..talk to my parents..and what not..all that stuff..so yea...thats about it..
Sunday, May 09, 2004
its not my decision anymore they said...its more theirs than mine...
All I want is to leave this life.
Start over again without all the strife.
These hopes, these dreams will never come.
I feel like my life is already done.
I don’t know how to fix this shit.
It all came as one huge hit.
It seems as though I am not wanted here.
I’ll go to a place that’s not so near.
Somewhere where I can start over again.
Somewhere where I can wash away the stains.
All I want is not to hate.
I can’t do anything but to wait.
For this life to come to its end.
So I can be with my one true friend.
Up there holding my hand.
Walking along the soft sand.
Talking to me about what I did, what I should have done.
Tears coming down as I watch the sun.
If only I could go back and change what happened.
Then maybe I wouldn’t feel so abandoned.
Maybe that’s how it will be.
Better come back from that strange reality.
For now all I have to do is suck it up.
Realize that I have to back up.
Analyze my life and what I’m doing.
And see what I am really pursuing.
Think about my purpose here.
Hold back that one small tear.
Just wanting to make one good decision.
Without the tears distorting my vision.
Swallow the huge lump in my throat.
Maybe then I’ll stay afloat.
Just stay here and live my time.
Stop acting just like a mime.
And talk to someone, maybe they’ll understand.
Perhaps they have experienced it firsthand.
Maybe I’ll stay and try some more.
Get up off this disgusting floor.
Take my life and turn it around.
I once was lost but now I’m found.
Start over again without all the strife.
These hopes, these dreams will never come.
I feel like my life is already done.
I don’t know how to fix this shit.
It all came as one huge hit.
It seems as though I am not wanted here.
I’ll go to a place that’s not so near.
Somewhere where I can start over again.
Somewhere where I can wash away the stains.
All I want is not to hate.
I can’t do anything but to wait.
For this life to come to its end.
So I can be with my one true friend.
Up there holding my hand.
Walking along the soft sand.
Talking to me about what I did, what I should have done.
Tears coming down as I watch the sun.
If only I could go back and change what happened.
Then maybe I wouldn’t feel so abandoned.
Maybe that’s how it will be.
Better come back from that strange reality.
For now all I have to do is suck it up.
Realize that I have to back up.
Analyze my life and what I’m doing.
And see what I am really pursuing.
Think about my purpose here.
Hold back that one small tear.
Just wanting to make one good decision.
Without the tears distorting my vision.
Swallow the huge lump in my throat.
Maybe then I’ll stay afloat.
Just stay here and live my time.
Stop acting just like a mime.
And talk to someone, maybe they’ll understand.
Perhaps they have experienced it firsthand.
Maybe I’ll stay and try some more.
Get up off this disgusting floor.
Take my life and turn it around.
I once was lost but now I’m found.
idn what the heck happened...its like it built up and finally i broke...i wanted to leave..so i did...now im back...and i dont want to be. soo...things took a huge turn in the last couple of days..things with the family arent going too good...they were fine for a while but now its bad..hmm...i dunno if im staying here...im sick of it...my moms making calls today...theyre making it out to be my decision, but theyve talked about it before...and i think we both want it so its probably for the best... i hate it here..i dont want to stay..i want to go somewhere where else..I feel like Jesus is the only thing i have right now...it hurts though..it feels like no one gives a fuck about me right now..i hate it...and i dont know what to do..everything is so stupid...i just wanna leave...the constant fighting is ridiculous..i know lots of the problems are my fault so im sure life would be better for all of us if i were somewhere else..idn..maybe ill stay..i jes need to pray..
Thursday, May 06, 2004
hey..know whats crazy..i was spell chekcing my blog..and part way thru my comptuer froze..it tends to do that often..so i was like "noo.."cuz i have this super long blog..(which im pretty sure not too many of u guys will want to read cuz its so long) and anywyas..it was freazing up so i just decided to see if itll just get better adn it didnt..soo i started to pray..and nothign happned..and everyitng deleted..so then im like..hmm..well..o wel God..i stil love you..loll..adn i went to history and found it ther.e.adn it was cool so yea..here is my long blog... if u want u can just read a shorter one...anywyas..so i was talking to shannon the other night(we've never really tlaked b4) and we just talked about lots of cool stuff ..like how everyday we go through our lives doin our own thing..don't ya think God wants us to do somethign and get somethign out of each day? like..i want him to be with me thru the day and just show me things..soo..yea..right now im so sick and tired of school..and i just want to live for him...and i want to grow up and get married and live my own life...its so frustrating..but yea..cant wait for summer!!! its gonna be so awesome..and avalanche..some crazy things are gonna happen there with God n everythign!!! also..a super cool verse i came upon when i was reading this book called "He's Hot, She's Hot" its about finding the right person to date and potentially marry..and showed this cool verse..its
2 Timothy 3:16 "All Scripture is God breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work" ...
and there was also another one that said not everyone is mature enough for marriage and can handle the responsibility..that would b crazy not to get married...lol..i have to get married..i cant wait!:P...well i can..lol but u know what i mean.. anyways. hmm..so anyways, Shannon told me about how her and a couple girls decided to get up at 6:30 each morning and just read their bible and pray....so i thought i would do that..and this morning me and sonja met up and brought some blankets went to the school early and sat in the forest by the school and just read the bible about forgivness and stuff..we were tryign to find some answers about a problem we were both having and didnt know where to look(thre concordance in the bibe kinda sucked) so then kjersten(i think thats how u spell her name)-(from grade12) just came up because she was early for school and joined us and we just asked her questions and we totally got the answer we needed...hmm..so..most people know those old bracelets that said wwjd and all that stuff..but if you really stop and think about it..its so true..ive always just let it go over my head..soo...about the forgiveness thing..you know when your hurt by a friend and you dont know what to do..like..theylle say sorry ..but u feel like youve been hurt so badly that you dont know if you can forgive them..and you dont know if you can trust them...well think of how many times God has forgiven us and look at how many times we've hurt him!!! and yet He's still always there for us and always our best friend. Another thing we just randomly came by in the bible was something that asked the question "do you expect somethign in return from God when you do somethign good?" well..why should we? Jesus took the punishment for our sins so we dont get punished for them(well..by our parents but thats beside the point) we are, although, confronted in heaven..but when are we punished?(at least..i dont think we are..lol...people tell me what you think on that!!) anyways..and also..so many people will feel unforgiven even when they ask God for forgivness...like..we totally shouldnt feel that way..God took our punishment away from us so he could forgive us when we ask..we dont have to offer anythign or sacrafice our fingers or watever.. so yea..hmm..and also..a whole other topic...i know most people..probably everyone has felt a time when they dont feel good about themselves or just think their ugly or not perfect or whatever..soo when you look in a mirror and say "ew.." (most of the time it would be girls..idn about you guys..? tel me baout yourselves) or whatever..anything self destructing...its basically saying that Gods creation isnt good enough for you..and his love isnt good enough for you...now thats crazy!!! soo...anyways, about my life...ive been supier tired recently..falling asleep in class.. pms-ing.lol..haha...today i started to cry for no reason..well it was for a reason..but im sure any guys reading hihs arent too interested...haha..and then i start to laugh..so whenever im going thru that time of the month..or 2 times of the month...grrrr..i thought i was cured:'( but yea, ill cry and laugh at the same time..that woudl b jordans fault..he just looks so funny..lol..but its sooo lame!...and yea..i feel kinda sick..and most ppl know that my grandma is living with me right now and shes dying n stuff...like..i know shes dying..but she can b a nag...its frustrating..and my dads frustrating too..hes so demanding...and he just doesnt understand me:| i hate it..and yea..when i talk to my mom about my life ill tlak abotu problems with friends or whatever and just venting pretty much about everyitng...knowing its confidential and everyting and thinking were getting closer..adn then when the time comes when i want to go somewhere with those friends she wont trust me with them because of what i said..haha...so that teaches me not to talk to her much more:s...hmm...yea..right now i dont really know who i can talk to..about everyting..i mean..i talk to Jesus(read a few blogs down)..but i want a friend i can just trust with everyting and will b able to give me good advice thats God based n stuff...its tough...and yea...my dog is so ugly..she just got shaved:s...barf...only because me and my sisters never brush her...well anyways..this thing is getting pretty long...soo..heres a cool song...o yea...and that poem thingy that i wrote..i think 2 blogs ago or whatever..i geuss..i wsa really insprired by the movie thirteen..its soo depressing..but yea.. a girl acting in the movie had the whole tihng happen to her...its a cryign movie..haha...and if anyone knows how much i cry in movies ..wow.this was pretty depressing..but yea..it was a totaly wake up call to how crappy life can b..especially wihtout God:S..aaaanyways..if any of you have kazaa..download this song its called take my life by jeremy camp
"Here i am before you now
I'm like a child reaching out
Here i am i'm giving all i can
Breaking my pride I feel i'm through
Shattered inside i run to you
And now i give it all to you
Take my life take my mind
take my soul take my will
I am yours now, and i give it all to you
Laying all down before my king
Offering all my everything
Laying all down before the one i serve
I can understand the reasons why
You came on this earth and died
And now i give it all to you
I can feel you on my shoulder
So I know that you are there
I can see you paint my picture
The beauty is all there"
2 Timothy 3:16 "All Scripture is God breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work" ...
and there was also another one that said not everyone is mature enough for marriage and can handle the responsibility..that would b crazy not to get married...lol..i have to get married..i cant wait!:P...well i can..lol but u know what i mean.. anyways. hmm..so anyways, Shannon told me about how her and a couple girls decided to get up at 6:30 each morning and just read their bible and pray....so i thought i would do that..and this morning me and sonja met up and brought some blankets went to the school early and sat in the forest by the school and just read the bible about forgivness and stuff..we were tryign to find some answers about a problem we were both having and didnt know where to look(thre concordance in the bibe kinda sucked) so then kjersten(i think thats how u spell her name)-(from grade12) just came up because she was early for school and joined us and we just asked her questions and we totally got the answer we needed...hmm..so..most people know those old bracelets that said wwjd and all that stuff..but if you really stop and think about it..its so true..ive always just let it go over my head..soo...about the forgiveness thing..you know when your hurt by a friend and you dont know what to do..like..theylle say sorry ..but u feel like youve been hurt so badly that you dont know if you can forgive them..and you dont know if you can trust them...well think of how many times God has forgiven us and look at how many times we've hurt him!!! and yet He's still always there for us and always our best friend. Another thing we just randomly came by in the bible was something that asked the question "do you expect somethign in return from God when you do somethign good?" well..why should we? Jesus took the punishment for our sins so we dont get punished for them(well..by our parents but thats beside the point) we are, although, confronted in heaven..but when are we punished?(at least..i dont think we are..lol...people tell me what you think on that!!) anyways..and also..so many people will feel unforgiven even when they ask God for forgivness...like..we totally shouldnt feel that way..God took our punishment away from us so he could forgive us when we ask..we dont have to offer anythign or sacrafice our fingers or watever.. so yea..hmm..and also..a whole other topic...i know most people..probably everyone has felt a time when they dont feel good about themselves or just think their ugly or not perfect or whatever..soo when you look in a mirror and say "ew.." (most of the time it would be girls..idn about you guys..? tel me baout yourselves) or whatever..anything self destructing...its basically saying that Gods creation isnt good enough for you..and his love isnt good enough for you...now thats crazy!!! soo...anyways, about my life...ive been supier tired recently..falling asleep in class.. pms-ing.lol..haha...today i started to cry for no reason..well it was for a reason..but im sure any guys reading hihs arent too interested...haha..and then i start to laugh..so whenever im going thru that time of the month..or 2 times of the month...grrrr..i thought i was cured:'( but yea, ill cry and laugh at the same time..that woudl b jordans fault..he just looks so funny..lol..but its sooo lame!...and yea..i feel kinda sick..and most ppl know that my grandma is living with me right now and shes dying n stuff...like..i know shes dying..but she can b a nag...its frustrating..and my dads frustrating too..hes so demanding...and he just doesnt understand me:| i hate it..and yea..when i talk to my mom about my life ill tlak abotu problems with friends or whatever and just venting pretty much about everyitng...knowing its confidential and everyting and thinking were getting closer..adn then when the time comes when i want to go somewhere with those friends she wont trust me with them because of what i said..haha...so that teaches me not to talk to her much more:s...hmm...yea..right now i dont really know who i can talk to..about everyting..i mean..i talk to Jesus(read a few blogs down)..but i want a friend i can just trust with everyting and will b able to give me good advice thats God based n stuff...its tough...and yea...my dog is so ugly..she just got shaved:s...barf...only because me and my sisters never brush her...well anyways..this thing is getting pretty long...soo..heres a cool song...o yea...and that poem thingy that i wrote..i think 2 blogs ago or whatever..i geuss..i wsa really insprired by the movie thirteen..its soo depressing..but yea.. a girl acting in the movie had the whole tihng happen to her...its a cryign movie..haha...and if anyone knows how much i cry in movies ..wow.this was pretty depressing..but yea..it was a totaly wake up call to how crappy life can b..especially wihtout God:S..aaaanyways..if any of you have kazaa..download this song its called take my life by jeremy camp
"Here i am before you now
I'm like a child reaching out
Here i am i'm giving all i can
Breaking my pride I feel i'm through
Shattered inside i run to you
And now i give it all to you
Take my life take my mind
take my soul take my will
I am yours now, and i give it all to you
Laying all down before my king
Offering all my everything
Laying all down before the one i serve
I can understand the reasons why
You came on this earth and died
And now i give it all to you
I can feel you on my shoulder
So I know that you are there
I can see you paint my picture
The beauty is all there"
Sunday, May 02, 2004
hey..umm..read my last blog first..k.. well, anyways...the world is so caught up in their own problems no one really ever stops to think about anyone elses...like..the people you least expect can have the biggest problems..its crazy because youll never know until you get to know them...ive had a few people who i thought had really good lives turn out to have some pretty sh1tty problems-crappy really doesnt accentuate the meaning i getting at- but anyways..we, as christians, really need to get to know people better..because being "aquantances" with most people doesnt help them...some people wil hide behind a smile and inside they really really need help but have no one to tlak to..hmm...so yea..get to know people more..lol..ask deeper questions when on msn ..it works..and it helps get you closer friends and more of a meaningfull friendship..anyways..thats abotu it...soooo...yea..bye
