Blog of Wonder and Excitment!

soo.. as i read back on my life in this blog.. i am fricken stunned at how retarded i could be. Up and down and all over the place with everything! Im glad I have a solid foundation now and have really found myself and for the most part what I am going to do with my life. Anyways, I dont know where all my comments went or all my super old blogs, but whatever.. i havnt been on here in forever. Anyways.. lets see.. an update on me. Well i went to NY for 9 months and i hated it, but it was good for me.. the saying what doesnt kill you makes you stronger is true.. but add a little psychoticness into it and its even more true. anyways.. things are pretty good right now.. thats all

nikki

hey..i havnt written in a logn time..again..soo..right now im really confused..like i dont know what im looking for, im guess im lost, so many things are screwed up and its like everythign is changing but nothing is different..i hate it. It feels as thought somethign big is going to happen soon to change all my problems..but i know its not. Right now im struggling with tons of stuff, im having to deal with my grandma who could die any second, its so hard to see her..she can barely talk and shes just not the same. Also, because I reccomended my little sister(who is only 13) to dump her"boyfriend" who is actually a big ass hole, shes been bullied by him and his friends. even though shes a brat, i still love her. Theres a million other thigns going on right now as well. Some of you know..id rather not let the whole world know..in my school rumors spread like wildfire..its ridiculous, especially in a christian school. So..what else..im kinda of struggling in the area of boys..like..i guess i want someone to care for..but i want it to be a forever kind of thing..ive experienced to much short term..all its done is made me depressed..i mean..its so hard..but..ahh..it drives me insane..i dont know what i want in my life..sometimes i think i fucked up so badly that my life is over..i guess ive been a little overdramatic..only because i didnt understand the situation..but life goes on..sometimes i wish i didnt..sometimes i wish i actually had the guts to go thruand kill myself..but i never do..i think its becuase i know deep inside that i theres somethign better..all the mistakes ive made..ive learned so much from them..an di think i will be able to teach others about it...we need to be educated to make the right decisions..i was..but only to a certain degree..once i pass that i have no idea what the hell im doing..so anyways..im thinking..ive grown up in a christian home..never knew anything else..what i want to do is learn about all the other religions..like..i think i know that christianity is the one..but how can i make a ligitamat decision without knowing all the information?! thats something i plan to do in the future..hopefully sooner than later..but im kidna doing crappy in school so i better not distract myself even more..i gotta get focused..life is once..its 11:54, wednesday november 17..ive never been to 11:55...its wierd...what am i gonna do now? i have a friend who asked me the question "your whole life, everythign you have done, has led up to this very moment, what ar eyou going to do next?" i couldnt tell you..i dont know..i wish i knew..i wihs i had it all figured out..but i dont..an di know i never will..i hate that...so anywyas..thats basically alli have to say..i dont think anyone is reading these anymore..but if you are..then..idn..good for you.. its kind of wierd..if you feel like commenting..idn.i dont really want anyone to..unless its more of an opinion..if your trying to lecture or give me a crapload of advice...dont...idn..just..gimme your personal opiion..of life..or whatever..thats all bye

hey..i havnt written in a looooonng time..soo..ive done ..lots i guess i..went to a few concerts...emma, she wants her name in here...so i did...annnyways...yeayyyyaya...uhhh..nothing else..im wokring..school..blah...volleyball!! im thinking i shall be a pro volleyabll player one of these days..that is my goal...right now...bye

hooooolllly freakin cow!!! my head is sooooooooooooooooooooooooo itchy...form the braids n all!!! i just want to rip them out!!..im not suposed to scratch or itll go dandruffy...yuck..but its soo hard not to..i just kinda...hit my self in the head..haha..cuz it feels good on my scalp...i woudnt advice it tho if your ever itchy..unless you have mosquito bites..instead of spreading it by itching..just slap it really really hard!!! ...it works for a couple seconds...anywyas..long day today..gotta pack and clean...sooo bye everyone..creation will rock!

sooo..i have noticed that so many people have stopped writing in their blogs..o rjust havnt written in forever...well ive been supper busy..haha..i wrote supper...i mean super busy!! ive been doing tennis and rockclimbing..going ot creation fest in 2 days!!! yipeeee! umm...well..hmm..my parents and sister and friend are in florida right now...soo..yea..creation..that will be amazing..yea my hair is in extensions!! i love it..hmm..idn..im allowed to get a tattoo i think if i keep my room clean for 9 days straight..and for those of you who know me knows that that is near impossible...and..what else...thats about it for now...i think...i shall go now...sooo see y'all later..

why hello there, last night i went to POD and Blindside! it was so fun! i was literaly soakign wet afterwards from all the sweat and water that was sprayed around..lol..Blindside was awesomely awesome! gotta check them out if youve never heard of them, POD was crazy cool, im so glad they did their olderish stuff!! i ran into a guy i met last year at creation fest, hes pretty cool, startign his own band with some of his friends..man i love concerts! except i got elbows in the face soo hard by soem short muscley guy..man..it hurt..adn it still hurts!! my nose is really sore..then i got elbowed in the neck..adn head..adn face again..haha..awesome..well yea..afterwards we were driving home at like..12:30am..everyoen smelly and sweaty and me and christine were suposed to go to marks but we had to stop at my place first to grab our stuff, so christine told jeff..to his face "wait here, we just need to grab soem stuff!" and we went inside and when we came back out he was gone, so we thought they were plaign a joke..so we looked around..adn then we jsut decided to wait and lie down in the middle of an intersection..15 minutes later..after some video taping and dancign and thinking scary thoughts about werewolves, we stood up..an dlooked at the pavement..we had left soem gross body outlines of water and sweat on the cement.hehe...well anyways, then we decided he wasnt comign back..so we ran back to my house and she called a bunch of ppl but couldnt get a hold of him..adn our stuff was in his car..he was being totally absent minded..so christine called home and told jason to tell jeff to come back..so he did..and at 2 in the morning jeff showed up ..lol..he said he dropped everyoen else off then stopped for a burger at arbies or soemthing..sat down..relaxed..haha..so yea..thats about it..then we went to marks and chilled there..hmm..i dont really remember what we did..? sorta.woah..hmm..well anyways..read jordans blog its good..and the p's blog (june5th) and umm..yea..their pretty cool! soo it feels like i have nothign to say about God n all that stuff because everyone elses blogs are saying it for me! anyways, ill talk to y'all later.....eh -i had to add that in there to even out the all americal "y'all"-bye!
Nicole

hello..i havn't written in a while..i dont know what to say..so i wont say anything..summers almost here...yay..i have homework to catch up on..boo...bye! ok im back..i just remebered i DO have stuff to write about...umm..first of all ive gotat stop with this '...' thing..ill try..lol..oops...ok..enough! soo, ive been reading the bible and its just opened my eyes so much more. I used to want to before but i never actally did it. Now i have this plan, 30 days with Jesus, and itll assign reading and sometimes il read even more because its so interesting. Like i was reading this story of how when Jesus cast out demons they would yell that he was the son of God, so he woudl have to cast them out FAST! lol, it's kinda funny its like
"I know you! Your the So..." thats what the demon says
and then Jesus says REALLY REALLY fast "God send the demon(s) away and out of this man(or woman), AMEN!!!!" lol, if you just think about it, its sorta funny...and so is your face(that ... was appropriate!) well anyways, and i was reading some other stuff and it was cool, yea POD IS THIS FRIDAY..AS WELL AS BLINDSIDE!!! yay. hm, what else is going on. I pierced my eyebrow. by myself, lol. i like it,my mom doesnt, i think my dad likes it, but he wont say. its so hard not to do the '...' thing..it just seems so appropriate for EVERYTHING! hmm, well in a past blog i was sayign i was thinking baout giving up tv, or just not watchign as much, lol, its a joke. I meann, i dont watch too much tv to begin with, usually ill sit in my room, and listen to music call in to win tix (which by the way, i won to go to Jeff O niels big weenie roast and omgsh! ALL VANCOUVERIANS! SWITCHFOOT IS COMING!!!!!!!!! IF YOU WIN TICKETS OR ANYTHING, TAKE ME OR DIE!..thats all for that and also, warped tour) hmm, somethign i have done in the past which is pretty, on the home page of blogger(this is for all you bloggers) its sorta fun if your bored to go to random blogs and see what people think, and if their struggling with something, tell them(in comments, which it bothers me when they dont have them!:|) that your praying for them, or simple advice, its cool and fun, yea, thats abotu it for now, i have homework i must do in order to go to POD!

hey..soo..wow why does school suck so much..especially the people..its so dramatic..and the girls are just so snotty and always backstabbing and gossiping..even me:s...im trying to stop..and i have improved since b4 but sometimes ill catch myself..but there is a difference between gossiping and just talking ..someone told me that its gossiping when it doesnt involve you..but if it does its fine..depending on the person your talking to..but i totally feel im always beign lied to and just ..ditched and nobody really cares what the heck is going on with me..with the exeption of certain people... but, i hate going to school..i cant wait for summer..and i can't wait to meet new people! ahh..summer:)

ahhh..being sick sucks..i wish i was just fake sick..then i could stay home without feeling like crap..lol..but yea..added on top of that is the monthly issue:s-well..sorta monthly..haha..i hate it:'(- but anyways...my youth group needs some prayer..its getting dry and we need some more forms of worship (painting, dancing, etc....)..so i talked to my youth pastor about it and he liked the idea:) but its hard to get off the ground..and our youthgroup needs to cover basic worship first..an d we need more pure hearts for God..soo..pray for that! thanks gotta go clean my room:|...

yea..and another thing...read christines blog first dated may 26!....gooo...and then read the rest....





ok now that ure done, my situationg is basically the same...except God put it on my heart and my mind and i told people and then things started happening...but i feel such a call for that school! my parents dont really support it tho..:(...so if it IS meant to be then they will agree with it in the end! so yea..pray for thay please!

wow avalanche was amazing..ive seen a side of God i never have seen before!! its new territory...ok..wel heres the deal..for one thing..im not sure about sharing all of this..it is really personal..but pppl have told me how they love that i can be so real on here..so ill be real..if its too real..lol...tell me..or whatever you think...but i think its safe to tlak about now because its in the past!! and its not coming back!..sooo...before avalanche..as some of you know i had been struggling with family problems..and suicide crap..like...not good...and it had been such a burden on me..i was pretty much depressed...so anyways..i went to avlanche(a youth conference in kelowna for those of you who dont know) and it was cool..i hadnt prepared for it tho..which i should have but didnt know how to..so anyways..i got into worship and just started dancing..and i never usually do this..this is an amazing church that it was held at!!! so..at first i thought everythign was better the first and second day..i thought everythign was all good..but yea..it wasnt..i didnt feel relived or watever..so last night(sunday) there was this rapper guy(and all of you who know the story of the broken leg thing..it wasnt the manifest-rapper- guy who was involved in the laughing at the stupid joke..it was just the breakdancers- and anyways..he was rapping then he started saying.."there is a girl here who was thinking and tryign to attempt suicide before avalanche..and shes having problems with her mother and father and family life" and just started prayign and..i was like..."what the heck..?!?" because it nailed me..not all of you who were there know this..now you do..so yea..that hit me and i was like "uhh..okay?..wat do i do i thought i was better" for a while until we got into worship..and i was dancing and just praising God and i just got on my knees..and started bawling..i wasnt even thinking baotu anything..i dont know why..and then ppl started laying hands on me..and many of you know how much i cry! i have NEVER EVER cried like this ever before...so..i was lying on the ground and shannon and jill and chrisine and jannelle and mark and some other ppl were just praying for me..and..the stuff they said..it was..wow..i cant even explain..but..i was crying soo much..and i hurt soo much pyysically like..in my stomach there was this pain..and it was indescribable...so i was still crying and worhsip had ended so this girl told us we shoudl go up to the 24-7 prayer room..so we did..and they lay me down and there was just..such prophetic stuff..visions and amazing things about me..i was so suprised how much was wrong with me..and..before this (i still havce to pray about this)God had told me that i was going to go into school(thomas haney specifically) and preach to the people and change soo many lifes! and this guy was praying..and he was sayign this stuff and then..this thing abotu witchcraft came up and he said somethign was given to me that was with me adn it was like evil..and i had no clue what he was talkign about! i was like "waaat?" then after a while he asked me what i saw and God was tellign me about the school thing again and i told him and this girl that was there said there woudl be a team...and i later foudn out that laura gelush is going to that school and the girl said that she knew laura woudl be part of it..so thats cool..but i still got to get assurance from God n stuff...anyways..after we prayed..i felt sooo released...in another blog when i have more time i might write some of the visions and things ppl got..but yea..a woman said that i would be a prophetic speaker..and i had never thought this would happen to me..like..i never thought it woudl be so cool..and the woman said that i would do amazing things and its soo cool to hear!!! and anyways..mark went down after we were done praying and travis..who has the gift of seeing angels and demons..said he saw demons latched onto me..or soemthign when i was going up to the prayer room..that was creepy..but i know there gone and there alot of stuff in my life i have to get rid of!!...and i told some stuff to my mom..and i asked baotu the witchcraft thign and she suggested harry potter..which i had some books in my room..so i totally htink thats it wcuz thy were given to me..so ill get rid of those..anyways..i have to get off ill add more later!..im back now...adding more to this blog..i actually talked to my dad...it was sooo cool..it was so deep..and we never ever talk..it was sooo cool..i just talked ot him about God and life and what me and him are doing and where were at wiht God..and all the cool stuff that happened at avalanche..and yea..i dont remember what i wrote..its pretty late..its so wierd..jannelle was talking about seeing in the spiritual realm..and it is really creepy..because she described what she had seen..and its gross...i wont explain..but like..all day today i have been praying and commanding them to leave me and my house and everywhere around me..its cool..and like..wow..i love tlakgin to God now and just..i want to spend al my time with him...i destroyed most of my ssecular cd's so far..because ive noticed that whenever im sad i go listen to it..and its not good..so thats somethign ill finish..and also ive been thinking of going on like..a tv sorta fast..like christine..but not so seroius...my acceptions will be news and csi(if its appropriate) and also only certain movies..im tired of filing my mind with all the shit of the world!!! lol..really..im going to try hard to stop..and..wow..i feel so amazing right now..i dont want it to go away..like the spiritual high ppl get and then a couple weeks later its back to normal! no way.im not doing that..ive brokenthe chains and im leaving them behind!!!!! yeehah!lol..

soo..fuel was cool...jordan prayed for me...and just helped me to realize i do have to get things straight with my parents or things with God and thigns with friends wont be good:s....umm...so we havnt really talked yet...but i have been better..i geuss...we both dont want to talk..we just...sorta want things to just be good..but i knwo i have to talk to him. Yea..but i am feeling better...avalanche will be awesome...and yea..God will carry me thru! and he doesnt care what i have done..he will always love me no matter what..love you Jesus...its good to be back...well..sorta back..but it does feel better...except for my friend situation..thats kinda sucking..anywyas...i gotta get to bed:O*yawn*..haha...i wonder how many people wil yawn when they read that..tell me if u did on my comments!...i just yawned 3 times now htinking about it...its soo wierd..oh..now 4...

wow...ppl are pissing me off..lol..idn, everything is so stupid right now..blaaaahhh...thats how i feel..like...nothing...except annoyed

soo..blah..idn how to b at school..its so confusing..like..i want to be how i feel...but then i dont want it to b all lame and ya know..be all grumpy..soo..idn what to do with that...and..my parents are being soo frustrating...grr..its sooo stupid...i hate it:S

hmm...sooo..idn..blah..todya was like..wierd...i didnt want to have a bad day so i just acted like everythign was okay..i didnt want everyoen to be all like..sympathetic at shcool..its embarassing..idn..so...today has been good..i havnt really confronted anyhtign yet:s...i should..talk to my parents..and what not..all that stuff..so yea...thats about it..

its not my decision anymore they said...its more theirs than mine...

All I want is to leave this life.

Start over again without all the strife.

These hopes, these dreams will never come.

I feel like my life is already done.

I don’t know how to fix this shit.

It all came as one huge hit.

It seems as though I am not wanted here.

I’ll go to a place that’s not so near.

Somewhere where I can start over again.

Somewhere where I can wash away the stains.

All I want is not to hate.

I can’t do anything but to wait.

For this life to come to its end.

So I can be with my one true friend.

Up there holding my hand.

Walking along the soft sand.

Talking to me about what I did, what I should have done.

Tears coming down as I watch the sun.

If only I could go back and change what happened.

Then maybe I wouldn’t feel so abandoned.

Maybe that’s how it will be.

Better come back from that strange reality.

For now all I have to do is suck it up.

Realize that I have to back up.

Analyze my life and what I’m doing.

And see what I am really pursuing.

Think about my purpose here.

Hold back that one small tear.

Just wanting to make one good decision.

Without the tears distorting my vision.

Swallow the huge lump in my throat.

Maybe then I’ll stay afloat.

Just stay here and live my time.

Stop acting just like a mime.

And talk to someone, maybe they’ll understand.

Perhaps they have experienced it firsthand.

Maybe I’ll stay and try some more.

Get up off this disgusting floor.

Take my life and turn it around.

I once was lost but now I’m found.

idn what the heck happened...its like it built up and finally i broke...i wanted to leave..so i did...now im back...and i dont want to be. soo...things took a huge turn in the last couple of days..things with the family arent going too good...they were fine for a while but now its bad..hmm...i dunno if im staying here...im sick of it...my moms making calls today...theyre making it out to be my decision, but theyve talked about it before...and i think we both want it so its probably for the best... i hate it here..i dont want to stay..i want to go somewhere where else..I feel like Jesus is the only thing i have right now...it hurts though..it feels like no one gives a fuck about me right now..i hate it...and i dont know what to do..everything is so stupid...i just wanna leave...the constant fighting is ridiculous..i know lots of the problems are my fault so im sure life would be better for all of us if i were somewhere else..idn..maybe ill stay..i jes need to pray..

hey..know whats crazy..i was spell chekcing my blog..and part way thru my comptuer froze..it tends to do that often..so i was like "noo.."cuz i have this super long blog..(which im pretty sure not too many of u guys will want to read cuz its so long) and anywyas..it was freazing up so i just decided to see if itll just get better adn it didnt..soo i started to pray..and nothign happned..and everyitng deleted..so then im like..hmm..well..o wel God..i stil love you..loll..adn i went to history and found it ther.e.adn it was cool so yea..here is my long blog... if u want u can just read a shorter one...anywyas..so i was talking to shannon the other night(we've never really tlaked b4) and we just talked about lots of cool stuff ..like how everyday we go through our lives doin our own thing..don't ya think God wants us to do somethign and get somethign out of each day? like..i want him to be with me thru the day and just show me things..soo..yea..right now im so sick and tired of school..and i just want to live for him...and i want to grow up and get married and live my own life...its so frustrating..but yea..cant wait for summer!!! its gonna be so awesome..and avalanche..some crazy things are gonna happen there with God n everythign!!! also..a super cool verse i came upon when i was reading this book called "He's Hot, She's Hot" its about finding the right person to date and potentially marry..and showed this cool verse..its


2 Timothy 3:16 "All Scripture is God breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work" ...

and there was also another one that said not everyone is mature enough for marriage and can handle the responsibility..that would b crazy not to get married...lol..i have to get married..i cant wait!:P...well i can..lol but u know what i mean.. anyways. hmm..so anyways, Shannon told me about how her and a couple girls decided to get up at 6:30 each morning and just read their bible and pray....so i thought i would do that..and this morning me and sonja met up and brought some blankets went to the school early and sat in the forest by the school and just read the bible about forgivness and stuff..we were tryign to find some answers about a problem we were both having and didnt know where to look(thre concordance in the bibe kinda sucked) so then kjersten(i think thats how u spell her name)-(from grade12) just came up because she was early for school and joined us and we just asked her questions and we totally got the answer we needed...hmm..so..most people know those old bracelets that said wwjd and all that stuff..but if you really stop and think about it..its so true..ive always just let it go over my head..soo...about the forgiveness thing..you know when your hurt by a friend and you dont know what to do..like..theylle say sorry ..but u feel like youve been hurt so badly that you dont know if you can forgive them..and you dont know if you can trust them...well think of how many times God has forgiven us and look at how many times we've hurt him!!! and yet He's still always there for us and always our best friend. Another thing we just randomly came by in the bible was something that asked the question "do you expect somethign in return from God when you do somethign good?" well..why should we? Jesus took the punishment for our sins so we dont get punished for them(well..by our parents but thats beside the point) we are, although, confronted in heaven..but when are we punished?(at least..i dont think we are..lol...people tell me what you think on that!!) anyways..and also..so many people will feel unforgiven even when they ask God for forgivness...like..we totally shouldnt feel that way..God took our punishment away from us so he could forgive us when we ask..we dont have to offer anythign or sacrafice our fingers or watever.. so yea..hmm..and also..a whole other topic...i know most people..probably everyone has felt a time when they dont feel good about themselves or just think their ugly or not perfect or whatever..soo when you look in a mirror and say "ew.." (most of the time it would be girls..idn about you guys..? tel me baout yourselves) or whatever..anything self destructing...its basically saying that Gods creation isnt good enough for you..and his love isnt good enough for you...now thats crazy!!! soo...anyways, about my life...ive been supier tired recently..falling asleep in class.. pms-ing.lol..haha...today i started to cry for no reason..well it was for a reason..but im sure any guys reading hihs arent too interested...haha..and then i start to laugh..so whenever im going thru that time of the month..or 2 times of the month...grrrr..i thought i was cured:'( but yea, ill cry and laugh at the same time..that woudl b jordans fault..he just looks so funny..lol..but its sooo lame!...and yea..i feel kinda sick..and most ppl know that my grandma is living with me right now and shes dying n stuff...like..i know shes dying..but she can b a nag...its frustrating..and my dads frustrating too..hes so demanding...and he just doesnt understand me:| i hate it..and yea..when i talk to my mom about my life ill tlak abotu problems with friends or whatever and just venting pretty much about everyitng...knowing its confidential and everyting and thinking were getting closer..adn then when the time comes when i want to go somewhere with those friends she wont trust me with them because of what i said..haha...so that teaches me not to talk to her much more:s...hmm...yea..right now i dont really know who i can talk to..about everyting..i mean..i talk to Jesus(read a few blogs down)..but i want a friend i can just trust with everyting and will b able to give me good advice thats God based n stuff...its tough...and yea...my dog is so ugly..she just got shaved:s...barf...only because me and my sisters never brush her...well anyways..this thing is getting pretty long...soo..heres a cool song...o yea...and that poem thingy that i wrote..i think 2 blogs ago or whatever..i geuss..i wsa really insprired by the movie thirteen..its soo depressing..but yea.. a girl acting in the movie had the whole tihng happen to her...its a cryign movie..haha...and if anyone knows how much i cry in movies ..wow.this was pretty depressing..but yea..it was a totaly wake up call to how crappy life can b..especially wihtout God:S..aaaanyways..if any of you have kazaa..download this song its called take my life by jeremy camp





"Here i am before you now
I'm like a child reaching out
Here i am i'm giving all i can
Breaking my pride I feel i'm through
Shattered inside i run to you
And now i give it all to you
Take my life take my mind
take my soul take my will
I am yours now, and i give it all to you
Laying all down before my king
Offering all my everything
Laying all down before the one i serve
I can understand the reasons why
You came on this earth and died
And now i give it all to you
I can feel you on my shoulder
So I know that you are there
I can see you paint my picture
The beauty is all there"

hey..umm..read my last blog first..k.. well, anyways...the world is so caught up in their own problems no one really ever stops to think about anyone elses...like..the people you least expect can have the biggest problems..its crazy because youll never know until you get to know them...ive had a few people who i thought had really good lives turn out to have some pretty sh1tty problems-crappy really doesnt accentuate the meaning i getting at- but anyways..we, as christians, really need to get to know people better..because being "aquantances" with most people doesnt help them...some people wil hide behind a smile and inside they really really need help but have no one to tlak to..hmm...so yea..get to know people more..lol..ask deeper questions when on msn ..it works..and it helps get you closer friends and more of a meaningfull friendship..anyways..thats abotu it...soooo...yea..bye

As she sits in her room, holding the gun she has in her hand, she’s searching for a reason and excuse not to do it. She holds the gun to her head and suddenly sees this hand and reaches for it. She grasps the hand tightly. It’s rough, but caring. The hand grabs her and pulls her up off the ground into a dark room. Then…a spotlight is directed on her. All she can see now is the hands coming out of the dark, into her spotlight. The hands grab her left arm, and pull up her sleeve to reveal slits in her wrist. One of the hands move over the wrist and over the cuts and they disappear. The next thing they do is reach for the gun. The hands grab it firmly and smash it to the ground. “This was not what you were meant for!” She heard the man say firmly, but she didn’t hear it through her ears, she heard it through her mind. “Close your eyes” She hears again and does as she is told. She sees herself, sitting in her room, holding the gun. She sees herself crying and foolishly believing she has no reason to live. She holds the gun to her head and just as she sees herself about to pull the trigger a man is there. This man took place she had been in just a second ago. The man had such a heartbroken look on his face the girl could barely stand to watch. Then, as if no one could ever have even noticed, she was watching herself again, pulling the trigger and falling to the ground. She sees her family running into her room, yelling and screaming. She couldn’t understand what they were saying though because everything she heard became muffled. Then, back to the dark room, spotlight still on her. The man stepped into the light. It was the same man she had seen take her place right before the shot. He asked her, “Why didn’t you listen to me? Why didn’t you follow me? Why didn’t you get to know me?” The girl stood there, speechless as to what to say. The spotlight turns off. The girl gets on the floor and crawls around to find the man again, but he is gone. She is left there all alone in the dark. Nothing to love, nothing to be loved by.

alright..well..God, he is a very complex man but the best thing that could ever happen to me. I can't understand how people can go through there lives without him. Hes ALWAYS there for me no matter what i do and he always gets me thru my problems. I just dont understand how peopel can live thru life wihtout someone whos perfect to rely on, talk to, trust, and always know he will make your life so worthwhile if you follow him. Its another story if you don't..it is so difficult tho..i know that when i give up things i should then it will be sooo much better..but its so hard to let go..but Ill never know how awesome he is..addn see him fully working in me till i let go..grr..its sooo hard!!! hmm..soo..the other day i decided i would wake up early and watch the sunrise..stupid me..i have no idea when the sun rises..soi get up at 4:30...get and at about 5:30 im wandering aroudn my hosue in the dark..not knowing what to do until it rises..so i go outside..in a skirt and tshirt adn a little blanket..sit on my parents van and watch the sky for 45 minutes until it rises..it was cold..but i got a chance to talk to God..i must admit..i didnt grasp my chance to hard...but ill do it again sometime.. hmm..i have to say..everyone must try this..go somewhere where you won't be disturbed(so hard to find in my house..i just do it when im going ot bed) and pretend like Jesus is there in human form..sitting right beside you adn just talk to him..like he's your best friend..and he'll never tell anyone..He'll be there to listen or to give advice..just listen back once in a while when you think you should..its really cool, just have faith..anyways..im about done for now..bye!

hey.havnt been here in a while..so God is cool..lol...im really busy right now...il put more later:P